We recently had a conversation with Afua about chivalry, manipulation and feminism. It might be helpful to read the article that sparked the conversation.
Afua: Link. Share your two cents with me
Dams: I can’t really agree with guys being chivalrous, but I know I do get subtly guilt-tripped by guys sometimes, even without them doing anything particularly extra. But I’ve gotten more assertive with these things even though guys have an annoying entitlement where they feel they deserve something (usually sexual) in return for a favour they’ve done you.
Afua: In her writing, she seems to be angry at the whole chivalry thing. There are men who engage in chivalrous acts and do not expect anything in return. It’s rare, but there are. She’s talking like let’s cancel chivalrous acts altogether. Then with the boyfriend/girlfriend situation; you want to kiss your gf, you have to ask, you want to touch breasts, you have to ask. ( rolls eyes x5) Isn’t that boring? However, I agree that if you begin and she says no, you must stop.
Mide: She always sounds angry tbh
Afua: She spoke about only the males as if women ask for permission to kiss their baes or touch them. Like why?
Dams: Maybe it’s feminist propaganda, but most incidences or instances of sexual abuse have the women as victims. You’d hardly hear of male sexual abuse victims. Maybe that’s why she’s harder on the guys. Sha, I feel like chivalry is trash. Why must women be treated like we’re super delicate and have to be protected and pampered all the time? That’s what I’ve never understood. If you’re being nice to me, I don’t want it to be because I’m female.
Afua: Some men are gentlemen like that. If you go out on a date, you wouldn’t want him to open your door, pull your chair? Because he’s doing it cause you’re female and not because he wants something from you?
Dams: Are my hands paining me?
Mide: I like being seen as an equal.
Afua: And opening your door means you’re lesser? Or above?
Dams: Handicapped probably
Mide: It just seems unnecessary sha. Like honestly, so you have opened the door, so what? You are a gentleman? And…?
Afua: So nothing! He’s just being a gentleman.
Mide: I do not see the point.
Dams: Abeg, it’s all unnecessary show.
Afua: Okay o.
Mide: Yup, unnecessary show. I kinda like no frills.
Afua: Nobody is saying get angry at a man if he doesn’t do those things, but then I don’t think they should be bashed for it either, if they do it and it’s not cause they want something in return.
Mide: It isn’t that I would “bash” you. I just do not see the point of being chivalrous. It’s up there with excessive, ostentatious show of faith, or respect.
Dams: Plus, it makes it hard for guys to just be kind, honestly, without the girl wondering what he wants. I think she’s bashing it because these “peripheral” things cover up/take attention away from more serious issues.
Afua: Okay o. A man can be chivalrous AND respect you. How about that? And still see you as his equal.
Dams: THERE’S NO POINT!
Afua: There’s no point but it’s the nature of some people.
Mide: It’s like those people who say “sir” or “please” or “ma” after every sentence. Opening a door for me feels very showy.
Afua: If there’s no point it means it shouldn’t matter whether it’s done or not.
Dams: Ok so what happens when he does all these “nice” things for me, but is going to physically or verbally maltreat me when we’re at home?
Mide: Maybe I am just too utilitarian, but I just feel things like this are unnecessary, and a waste of time.
Afua: You can open doors for him too, and He could open the door for you and not beat you. Him being chivalrous does not equate to him maltreating you or thinking you aren’t his equal. And he’s not opening your door because your hand is paining you. It’s not a battle of some sort, but to each his own.
Mide: I am the type of person who would not see you opening the door for me as romantic. I just see it as a waste of time and eye service, without even thinking about whether or not it makes us equals or your reasons behind it. But yeah, to each his own.
Dams: Summary of my point is that chivalrous acts are usually just acts, they’re not pure. It’s like “phariseeing” and that’s why I think we should do away with them.
Afua: Usually, but not all the time. I’m here for the genuine ones.
Mide: You know, a guy’s need to be chivalrous kinda fits nicely with a girl’s need to be a submissive, silent slave. Have you thought of that?
Afua: A guy does not NEED to be chivalrous
Mide: Some guys NEED it. They need the “male entitlement”. They have been socialized to believe it is theirs.
Afua: Some men, not all men once again.
Mide: I like my relationships black and white; no grey lines, no ostentatious shows of affection. I’m definitely the type to cringe at flowers and dinners for two and stuff like that.
Dams: How many people do you want at your dinner, madam?
Mide: I’d prefer Netflix and Pizza. If you love me, please buy a Netflix subscription for me. Bufdae gift ideas. 😂
Dams: Bufdae? Nah, now I’m sure I don’t love you.
Mide: Oh mmai.
We need more views on this, so feel free to comment.